


I Didn't Even Want the Heart You Broke

by Alex Oiknine (alexoiknine)



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-06
Updated: 2015-06-06
Packaged: 2018-04-03 04:30:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4086919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexoiknine/pseuds/Alex%20Oiknine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marco hasn't had much time. Things have changed drastically in the last few months. The Yeerks finally know who the Animorphs are. But to avoid obligations for a little while, he decides to go and check on another Andalite resident on Earth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Didn't Even Want the Heart You Broke

**Author's Note:**

> Animorphs is © K.A. Applegate and Scholastic.

Everyone was doing something in the Hork-Bajir valley.

Jake and Rachel were scheming.

Cassie was arguing with her parents about the Hork-Bajir shelters.

Tobias was off on his own - part of the many breaks he had with interacting with Loren.

I was supposed to be helping Ax and my dad with making a Z-space transponder, but they didn't really need me right at that moment. My dad and Ax can do all of that without my help. Mom was sleeping. At least I didn't have to try to get her to believe any of this was happening. Even at the huge cost - we had too many adults battling against the idea they were in a war right now.

I checked the camp, looked around the Hork-Bajir valley, and did a peripheral run in my osprey morph. No one was leaving the borders. Though Rachel's mother, Naomi, was always a wild-card. Of all the Animorph parents, she had to be the most stubborn.

I was bored. But you can't exactly take off to the mall and play some arcade games when the Yeerk Empire is hunting your butt and openly rounding up civilians in town. Then I remembered Mertil. How long had it been since I told him I'd check in on him? How long had Ganfinilan had to live when we left off? He had said a few months. (Were they "my months" as Ax would say, or "Andalite months"? What _was_ an Andalite month? I'd never asked.)

For a bit longer I cruised, debating, and then I decided I was going to go. A few months ago, I wouldn't have bothered telling anyone. That wasn't an option anymore. So I flew over the trees and streams instead, picking who the right person to tell was. Cassie. Cassie would be the person I could tell who wouldn't make a big deal of it, and could keep it to herself. She'd be able to convince Jake I was safe, and discreet enough not to tell anyone where I had gone.

I flew overhead, watching her and her parents in an open space not too far from the cliff ledges. Circled overhead. Normally she and her parents would have probably noticed - they're all animal lovers. But their argument about space in the barracks was distracting them.

So, naturally, I dropped and made like I was about to land on Cassie's head, flaring my wings and coming up at the last second and landing on a nearby log. Both her parents shrieked and looked like they were ready to jump on top of me. But Cassie had been an Animorph for a while and knew what was up. She started. She almost even laughed the split second after she stopped looking like she was going to smack me. But then her face darkened, and she went immediately back to business.

An Animorph in morph and catching you by surprise is usually bad news.

"Marco. Aren't you supposed to be helping with the transponder? Is something wrong?"

‹Actually, no,› I said easily. ‹But I need a break. I thought I'd check up on two old friends of ours. If anyone gets worried, mind telling them I'm okay and I'll be back in a few hours?›

She hummed. "Someone should still go with you. I can come."

‹It's really okay. If I see anything suspicious, I'll turn right around. I just promised I'd check up sometime, and you know... Then everything happened.›

"Okay. Be careful."

I powered my wings and took off. I still had a bit over an hour left in morph, which gave me more than enough time to find Mertil-Iscar-Elmand. I avoided the city - it was too depressing to see what the Yeerks were doing to it now that we were going into open war. Besides, they were familiar with all of our morphs, birds of prey included. I would have been surprised if they weren't shooting down any and all unaccounted birds of prey right now.

The forested scenery was definitely nicer than that. Besides, we had tracked Ganfinilan from these same woods. From the meadow where we'd met to the cave where he'd morphed, it was a pretty short flight to their house. It wasn't as big a property as Cassie's place was - she lived on a farm before we went into hiding. But it was still a good few acres and opened into the woods, which made a lot of sense when you realized Mertil was not morph-capable. Still, it mostly looked like woods around their home now. With trees where there hadn't been trees the first time. Remembering the force-field that had protected them a few months ago, I landed and demorphed.

I would have guessed, looking at the place, that it was abandoned and that the forest was encroaching on the property. But it was way too much growth to just be a few months, so I suspected a ruse to prevent accidentally being filmed again. I focused on my bee morph.

Once I was a bee, my suspicions were confirmed. Everything I was seeing was artificial. I couldn't see Mertil or Ganfinilan, but the holograms were messed up to my compound eyes, and I could see the entrance that allowed bees in through the force-field. I had thought about going in the old-fashioned way, but then I remembered how the last time I tried to enter as a bee I'd nearly been killed by another insect. Besides, I was friends with Mertil. So instead of sneaking in, I put out a tentative call in private thought-speak to Mertil.

Ganfinilan didn't really seem to like us much.

‹Any aliens out here familiar with a handsome young human?›

I heard Mertil laugh, so he was home. I guess he had a better sense of humor than Ax. But there was a sad undertone.

‹Marco. I have not heard from you in a long time. I had worried you were lost to the war.› I could hear him pause. ‹I have been following the news. The Yeerks have become much more aggressive. And they acquired the _Escafil_ device, haven't they? I have seen morphing on the human news networks.›

‹Um. Yeah. Unfortunately.› I didn't supply any more information. There was no reason to tell him Cassie had let them take the blue box. Everyone had thought it was destroyed until about two years ago when David found it, anyway. It could have easily been acquired by the Yeerks without our help. Cassie had enough on her plate.

‹Is it safe for me to come in? Visit for a bit?›

I evaded asking the more direct "Is Ganfinilan home?"

‹As safe as it could be,› Mertil said. I didn't know if that meant Ganfinilan was working late, or if he was dead. I decided not to comment. Let Mertil decide how much of that information he was ready to share.

‹Can I meet you in the back? The Yeerks know who we are now. I can't go showing my face on any streets.›

‹Of course, Marco.› He paused. ‹I will shut down the force field in two minutes. That should be enough time for you to demorph.›

The house itself wasn't that large - Andalites are outdoor creatures. It was just a cover for humans and Yeerks. But it had a nice garden near where I landed - I figured that was the most likely place Mertil would meet me. I demorphed.

For a moment, everything looked the same. Then suddenly a lot of trees disappeared. The back door which had been closed was open. Mertil gave me an Andalite smile and waved me in. As soon as I was within the boundary, I could see him doing something behind the door. There must have been a keypad to activate the force-field, because I felt the hair on my back of my neck suddenly stand on end.

I was pretty sure reaching behind me would lead to some major ouchies. Waving and grinning, I strode to the back door and put my hand out. He simply stared at it. Right. He didn't interact with humans.

"It's called a handshake," I said. "It's a type of human greeting. It can be casual or professional. It's less intimate than hugging or kissing. Here, put out your hand, I'll show you."

He put out his hand, and I took it with mine and showed him to do a proper handshake, in slow motion, before showing it at a normal speed. My dad had emphasized it to me as a kid. Employers like a good hand-shake. I also knew from experience with Ax that you _can_ , in fact, do a hand-shake wrong. Mertil smiled.

‹Marco. Would you care to come in? I try to avoid being inside, but I know humans are more comfortable inside.› He gave me a look that I was pretty sure was the Andalite version of a sly grin. And Ax had me convinced Andalites aren't funny. ‹I had Ganfinilan bring me human game consoles after your last visit.›

"In it is, then."

He lead me in, with the kitchen to one side and the living room to the other. He gestured at the couch in the living room - a place of human appearances for no other reason than to convince people like me that humans lived here.

‹Please, have a seat.›

When I sat down, I noticed the television had a few computers attached to it. Ganfinilan and Mertil had apparently been at work since I'd left. I played around with it, turning it on and searching through options. I found the games. I thumbed through a variety of computer games, from Snake to Lemmings to much newer games.

"This is like _every_ game, ever! These are PlayStation 2 games!"

I couldn't be sure, but Mertil seemed to look abashed. He blinked a lot. ‹I thought if I was stuck here by myself, I should have things to do. And I knew if you human children came back, that the games might be fun.›

"Thanks, man. But you don't have to put yourself out for us. The truth is-"

‹You have been busy. Yes. I have been following the news. Things have become much harder for you.› He paused. ‹I am sorry I cannot be more helpful.›

I waved a hand. "You've done your part for this war, my friend." I glanced at his tail and remembered Ax's vitriol. " _More_ than your part," I added. You gave up... everything."

He didn't answer, but he moved over to the couch to stand behind me. There was a side table with a drawer, and when he pulled it out, there were a few controllers. He chose a game "ESPN Hockey Night." I laughed.

"I didn't take you for a hockey guy."

‹I am many things,› Mertil said. ‹I think human sports are very interesting. Andalites are faster, of course. But humans are so capable even with their two legs... And you do very risky things for the sake of play.› He laughed. ‹All our sports seem so tame compared to hockey and football. Also, humans are so graceful in the water compared to us.›

"It's too bad you couldn't try being a dolphin."

‹I suppose.› His train of thought tapered off and he stood uncertainly. We continued to play for a while. I was a more experienced player, but Mertil was picking up on it quickly and soon we were pretty equally matched. An hour passed before I'd even thought of it, and I realized if I stayed out much longer Jake and the others would probably begin to worry. Put down my controller and Mertil, seeing me, put down his.

For a minute, we sat in silence, the game sitting in pause in front of us, the light getting darker around us. And the quiet that pressed around us. I didn't want to pry into Mertil's life: I knew things were tough for him. I also hate talking about emotional things. But he deserved a chance to, just like everyone else.

"So, you know about my life from the news," I pointed out. "Is there anything going on in your life you want to talk about?"

Subtle.

He turned all four of his eyes to me. Measuring me. Then he shuddered and sighed. ‹Ganfinilan is dead,› he murmured. ‹Less than a month ago. A complication of Soola's Disease - a stroke. And he was in so much pain... Ganfinilan would not let me try to treat him.›

‹I knew he wouldn't want me to - we'd talked about this since he was diagnosed years ago,› Mertil continued. The hurt seeped out of his voice. ‹But I have been very lonely.›

I tried to imagine how I would feel if Jake died. _Did_ remember how I had felt when my mother had "died." I wasn't sure what the Andalite equivalent of a reassurance was. So I put an arm on his shoulder. Maybe it was the wrong move: Mertil stared at me like I'd grown an extra head.

"Uhm. It's kind of a reassuring gesture to humans. I kind of don't have a tail."

He allowed it. Nodded in understanding. ‹I appreciate the gesture. Among Andalites, gestures involving hands are romantic in nature, and many familial and friendly gestures involve our tails. There are some parental gestures, also involving hands.›

‹Coming from a child or another adult can come off as patronizing,› he added. ‹I apologize for misinterpreting.›

He smiled a bit sadly and stared off, not focusing any of his eyes on me. ‹Humans do not have tails, of course. Your affectionate gestures are done through your hands. And as an Andalite without a tail, I could afford to adopt some of those signs myself.›

"Hey, it's no big deal. Ask any of my friends," I said lightly, "I'm patronizing too often. So... I mean, are you going to be okay? I'm not sure when I'll be able to come back." _If ever_ , I think to myself. "Things aren't very... secure... right now."

He looked at me. His eyes were so heavy, and sad. He looked at me like he could see a thousand years into my future.

‹I am so sorry you children are fighting this battle. Ganfinilan told me Elfangor enlisted you. I can hardly believe it. An Andalite prince recruiting _children_... I am sorry for your losses. Ganfinilan wasn't a coward, you know.› He seemed sad, but also defensive. ‹He knew he couldn't help you, with Soola's Disease.›

Our losses. Our homes. Our families. Our childhoods. Our friendships. Our innocence. Our lives.

"It's been a heck of a ride," I said, with false bravado. "And we get to fly."

‹Yes,› Mertil agreed. ‹Flying is nice.›

Mertil and I get up from the living room and walk to the back door, where he turns off the force-field again after I finish morphing osprey. I feel bad, leaving so shortly, but Mertil's a soldier, like us. He knows we don't have time to go picking up after our feelings, or others. Not yet.

But as I took off, and the force-fields went back up, I kept thinking about Mertil. And I circled back. Mertil felt much safer to talk to than Ganfinilan. And he seemed to not take offense at questions that were against Andalite social etiquette. He got that he was on an alien planet, with different customs, and it made him a lot more reserved at judging what we said.

‹Mertil, can I ask a question? You don't have to answer... But, could Ganfinilan not have morphed you? Become a _nothlit_? I know it seems bad to Andalites,› I rushed on. ‹But it just doesn't make sense, to leave you alone. These were extenuating circumstances, right? Who else was going to care for you out here?›

No answer. For a while, I thought I wasn't going to get one. But right before I gave up, I _felt_ a wave of sadness. A heavy hopelessness. A lot of anger, and even more guilt. I practically fell out of the sky. Mertil seemed so calm. I knew he was upset. But I couldn't have guessed. I still _couldn't_ guess. This was that "I can hear Mertil as long as we are on the same planet" bond coming out, in thought-speak.

‹I begged him,› Mertil said quietly. ‹To become Henry permanently. Or to perhaps seek Aximili and see if he could be convinced. And he would not ask any favors of Aximili. He was always a very proud Andalite, to the end. Too proud for our own good.›

‹He could not morph me,› Mertil added. ‹I am a _nothli_ _t_.›

Well, there was the answer to our question of Mertil's inability to morph.

His voice broke. ‹When I was a child, I was a very different person. I couldn't bear it. Ganfinilan had always accepted me as I was. He did not judge _me_ for escaping my problems with morphing. He helped it seem it was an honest mistake. But I wish it hadn't been that way. I have thought much lately, that if I could have done the same for him, he would have let me. He could not trust anyone else as he trusted me. There wasn't anyone else he would bend any rules for.›

‹I'm... I'm sorry.› I felt like a tool, asking this right after I had left. Even if this type of conversation is one I would hate to have in person. ‹I wish I could help.›

‹You and your friends _are_ helping. You are fighting the war.›

It seems like a bad note to leave him on. Then I think of something that lightens my mood. ‹Mertil, look up human prosthetics. Look for athletes with prosthetics. On the internet. You think human sports are intense? Try that.›

I hear a tone of wariness in his voice. But Mertil trusts us, more than Ganfinilan did. ‹Okay, Marco. I will.›

I wondered what the other Animorphs and I would be like if we could speak and feel each other so intimately, too. But I was sort of glad we couldn't. My emotions weren't something I wanted openly displayed to anyone. So I guessed it was just an Andalite characteristic. Part of the bag, being a telepathic species. Like walking on two legs and only being able to see in one direction is a human thing.

I righted myself and circled back in the direction of the Hork-Bajir valley. Headed home, to all the things I'd lost, and the things I still had to lose.

 


End file.
